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Fear of Living

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Recently, I found myself drawn to reflect on the theme of death, and its influence on how I live. Life is a magnificent tapestry woven with experiences and interactions, and it has a hidden influence from death, the inevitable end to the journey.

Contrary to what one might expect, I realized that the fear of death, this universal dread that trails us like a shadow, is not actually what it seems. It is instead a hidden fear of living. This insight has begun to reshape my understanding of how to live.

My daily life is filled with meticulous care and calculated decisions.

I’m careful while crossing the street, vigilant when I am behind the steering wheel of my car. I find myself assessing the risks involved in potential investments, gauging potential gains and losses, unconsciously like a background computer process.

I can hesitate at times before opening myself to friends or potential romantic partners, building walls to protect my vulnerability. I obsess over my diet, ensuring I’m fueling my body with the right nutrients. I watch my words, aiming to strike the perfect balance of honesty and political correctness.

These actions, seemingly disparate, are united by a common thread - the fear of death. But it’s not merely the dread of physical demise. It's the fear of reputational death, the death of relationships, the death of emotions, and the death of ego. Each careful step, every cautious word, is an attempt to avoid these metaphorical deaths.

Yet, as I began to reflect, I recognized an underlying paradox. In trying to avoid death, I am, in a way, avoiding life itself. Every day, I am bound by an invisible chain, shackled by the fear of death, resulting in a life cautiously lived, a life constrained.

When I delve into thoughts about death, I feel a profound sense of urgency bubbling within me, reminding me of the temporary nature of my existence. It’s a stark realization of the fragility of my life, a poignant reminder of its impermanence.

However, acknowledging the inevitability of death does not imply embracing it prematurely. Far from it. While I would never consciously accelerate death, I now understand that I can, and should, choose to more fully embrace living.

I have come to realize that life is not meant to be merely a series of safe choices and guarded interactions. It's meant to be lived fully and fearlessly, embracing all the risks and rewards that come along with it.

I strive to learn how to live more freely, unburdened by the fear of the metaphorical deaths that have held me back. I aim to breathe deeply, taste new experiences, and explore unfamiliar territories. I'm learning to express myself more candidly, to be more honest in my interactions. I'm learning to be more vulnerable, to open myself to the possibility of continued deep and meaningful connections.

In my quest for health, I'm evolving to understand that wellbeing extends beyond physicality. It's about nourishing the mind, the soul, as well as the body. It's about embracing life in its entirety, from the rush of adrenaline to the tranquility of meditation, from the joy of accomplishment to the sting of failure.

Most importantly, I'm learning to let go of my fear of death, to embrace it as a part of life. It's a perspective shift, understanding that death is not the antithesis of life, but its culmination. It's not a full stop, but a poignant pause, a serene sunset at the end of a vibrant day.

In essence, the fear of death is indeed a fear of living. I'm learning to unshackle myself from this fear. I'm learning to live fully, deeply, passionately.

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